It’s to feel that connection that you might miss when the people around you erase your queer identity just because of who you’re with. Of course, reading or watching stories about queer people isn’t just for education. More Radical Reads: Desire and Belonging: On Blackness, Femininity, and Queernessĭon’t stick with what you know, or think you know: Read about queer people of different orientations, genders, racial backgrounds, and socioeconomic classes than yours. Media with queer characters is also a great way to learn more about queer experiences that differ from yours due to intersecting identities. In 2015, Colorlines did a roundup of books by writers of color that had been nominated for Lambda Literary Awards, which “celebrate literature for, by, and about the LGBTQIA+ community.” Thankfully, Tumblr users have compiled a list of lesbian romance novels with happy endings.Īutostraddle’s Television, Books, and Film sections are also great places to find more media by and about queer women. In particular, queer female characters often meet some tragic end in order to increase the “acceptability” of those storylines for mainstream audiences. Unfortunately, despite increasing visibility and representation, it’s not always easy to find media that portrays queer characters realistically and three-dimensionally.
Reading books and watching films and TV shows that feature queer characters can be a powerful way to stay connected to our identities and narratives, as I reminded myself as I cried into that beautiful book.Įven if you’re not dealing with some of those situations yourself right now, engaging with media about queer people can be a way to remind yourself of all the things you have in common with others in the community, regardless of who you’re dating at the moment. I’m not at all ashamed to admit that I sobbed openly almost the whole way through the book – not because it was sad, but because it was so positively overwhelming to see people like me and my friends represented in all sorts of cultures and historical periods. Recently I read Dates, an amazing anthology of historical fiction stories featuring diverse queer and trans characters. So how can we maintain and celebrate our queer identities, no matter who we’re with? Here are five suggestions that may help. This is reinforced when people refer to your or your relationship as “straight.”
When you’ve been with someone of the so-called “opposite” gender for a while, it can start to feel like your queerness doesn’t really matter anymore, or like it isn’t even really there. It’s not that they’re not welcome there, but that I just know people will look at me and see a straight woman. But I remember what it was like when I was in monogamous relationships with men, and even now, I cringe at the thought of bringing one of my male partners – wonderful and progressive as they all are – to a gay bar or queer-related event. I’ve been polyamorous for a few years, which admittedly makes it a lot easier to cope with this because I’m always dating people of various genders. Being mislabeled as straight can bring back all our baby-queer insecurities that we thought we were past: being “ queer enough,” worrying about taking up space that isn’t “ours” to take up. I’m holding a boy’s hand, so I’m straight.īeing a queer person in a relationship that’s read as straight by others can be painful and invalidating, no matter how healthy and empowering the relationship itself is. In that moment, nobody knows or cares that maybe I’m more into women, maybe most of my partners are women, maybe I can only imagine my life centered around other women. Years of struggle, and years of joy, too. In that one glimpse of me with a male partner, eleven years of identifying as queer are erased. As far as they can tell, I already am.īut the flip side of that safety – conditional as it is – is erasure. Nobody calls me the d-word or threatens to “turn” me straight. Nobody harasses me, leering and telling me to kiss him so they can watch. I’m seen as straight, feminine, the “right” sort of woman. In a way, there is a safety that comes with being out in public holding a boy’s hand. This article originally appeared in and is reprinted by permission.